camp...

camp was incredible... i figured it up in my head and i've been a staffer for 35 weeks of camp over the last 5 years... i would say that this is probably the best week i have ever had staffing camp... more than ever, i was able to build relationships with students and learn so much about my Daddy and the way He works... for the first time, i saw students making life-changing decisions that i can really see as being life-changing decisions and not just summer-changing decisions...

what is cool is that i have never felt so unprepared for camp... training was one day, so most of the time, we were throwing programs together an hour before they were about to happen... i am used to having 2 weeks to plan everything out and doing rehearsals/run-throughs... in the midst of it, i think it was better to go unprepared, in some cases... it was way fun, anyway...

but the best part of the week for me was personal stuff... i kind of went expecting students to grow and be challenged and encouraged... too bad i walked away with that, too... i've lived in the northwest for a year not knowing what i'm supposed to be doing... i'm in seminary and when people ask me what i'm in seminary for, i generally laugh and say something like, "are you supposed to know what you want to do when you're in graduate school?" i've seriously had very little to no idea what direction i'm supposed to be going in... i've been really open to whatever, but nothing has really fit... until now...

throughout the week, i began to see what i'm supposed to be doing... youth ministry... some of it kind of came up last semester - i had an idea, vision for a youth/sports outreach... i have the logo, even... and i'm really not sure how it all fits... but i really feel like it's something... teenage years are HUGE, developmentally speaking... i think a lot of times they're either treated as children or expected to act as adults... they are neither children nor adults... and my youth minister and his wife were some of the most influential in my growth stages, especially as a young Christian... i often find myself thinking, "i want to be just like Lori..." and then a camper said to me at camp, "i want to be just like you... to do the things you do..." (meaning working with youth - so she is starting to help out with the jr. high students) the minute she said those words, i was broken... i'm not sharing that story to say, "look at me... a teenage girl thought i was cool..." it was more like God saying "this is what i want with your life..." i have never felt so comfortable in ministry as i did last week... it fit...

now comes the hard part... i'm so frustrated with adults... honestly... now that i have more vision about what i'm supposed to do, i'm trying to see how i can be used in youth ministry... there is no opportunity for me to do so at my church... frustrating... do i leave behind the church family that i have been apart of the last year to find a place where i can be involved in youth ministry?? do i stay and work with college students or children even though i know that's not what i feel called to do?? frustrating...

and the worst part about it all is the responses i've gotten since i've been back... "don't make any decisions based on camp... camp is a mountain-top experience where you decide things emotionally... don't worry, reality will set in soon, and things will go back to normal..." no wonder students make summer-changing decisions and not life-changing decisions... too many people have told them, "don't worry, things will go back to normal..." no one expects camp to make a lasting impression... if we continue to put God in a box, will we ever see what He can do?

one more thought... i don't necessarily feel called to be a single female youth minister... this is definitely the hard part... i don't think that woman could minister to teenage boys as effectively as a man could... on the flip side, i don't think a man could minister to teenage girls as well as a woman could... there is definitely something to be said for team youth ministry (man and woman)... so i'm not sure where the other half of my team is... i rarely talk about being single on my blog... i don't like to even bring it up on such a public domain... but the truth of the matter is i don't feel called to singleness and sometimes being single and wanting to be a lot more settled than what i am frustrates me...

so i'm kind of stuck in a really weird place right now... very unsure about a lot of things... unsettled with few answers and more questions than i can begin to name...

i feel like my thoughts are very random and unorganized... but they're my thoughts nonetheless...

on that note, i will list my five for today...
1. being able to use the word "nonetheless" in a sentence.
2. lunch with a friend and walking afterwards (yea for exercise!)
3. being able to sleep in today... good times!
4. having an email/comment in my inbox today from a new friend who is so cool!!
5. the day isn't over so i could have 15-20 or more things to be happy about or thankful for today!!! (and the possibility of that makes me happy!)